About 7 years ago, I was handed a very difficult situation which required me to make a life changing decision. I had no way out; no matter what choice I made, I was never going to be the same. I just became a new father and I took on quite a bit of change all at once. In a matter of two months, I graduated from college, had a daughter, Started my first big job, and bought my first house. It seemed life for me was snapping right into place.
One day, my wife called me on my cell phone and told me that her youngest half sister needs some help. You see, my wife grew up in foster care and her biological mother kept having babies for about 25 years between visits to prison. She told me that her biological mom was in jail again, and her youngest sister (who was 5 at the time) was living with her very unhealthy grandmother. My wife was asking us to step in and take care of her sister.
You might think that was a simple enough decision. I was well employed and had the financial resources to do so. What was the problem? The problem was the character of the sister and the company that came with her. My first exposure to this sister was flat our frightening. The child was very strange and exhibited the behavior of a much older, deviant mint. She seemed to lack a conscience and exhibited extremely strange behavior. She was raised by her biological family and to be honest, most of them were sociopaths with a seemingly natural attraction to self destruction and crime. Taking this child meant that I had to not only associate with the family, but also meant that I would have to deal with her very strange, disconnected behavior.
In my mind, I weighed the risks to agreeing to become this child's guardian and my own conclusion (sans influence of others) was that this was the wrong choice for me and my young family. I did not have the emotional fortitude to deal with a psychologically challenge young sociopath and my new daughter needed a happy, grounded family to raise her. Plus, I didn't want people in my life who were criminals, drug addicts, thieves and scam artists (the sister's biological family).
But, what I knew to be the right choice for me would be most unpopular and likely cause some long arguments at home. So, I managed to convince myself that what I knew to be right was wrong and I agreed to take on this responsibility. I talked myself into the wrong decision by telling me it was the right one. I even managed to convince myself that my marriage depended on me agreeing to do this.
The outcome of this decision over the next two years nearly ended my marriage and caused my family to nearly implode. The sister, her brilliant young criminal tendencies (arson, theft, lies and vandalism...all by the age of 6) and her family (who's phone calls mostly proceeded by "you are getting a phone call from a California State Penitentiary") drove my wife almost insane and my home was a terrible place to be at which no one visited. Until finally, the mother regained legal custody of the sister and we were able to move on with our lives. I know we were technically a better home for the sister, but she was dangerous to my family's bond.
My family and I will never be the same. We always question whether we made the right choices and worry that our first daughter was emotionally changed by the experience. Plus, we feel like we failed and that never leaves us.
The big lesson I got our of this, though, was that you can actually convince yourself that the wrong choice is the right was (a choice that you know is wrong). Others can influence your reason and allow you to rationalize the wrong choice. You would think I would have learned a life lesson, one that would galvanized my decision making process for the rest of my life. But seven years later, I still find myself making the wrong choices, ones that are not ultimately good for me or my family.
My new job is a good case. I have allowed myself to be persuaded or to persuade myself to make choices that I know are not in the best interest of my family and me. And since September, I have continued to compromise on too many levels. Ultimately, it has had a remarkably profound influence on how happy I am, how I sleep, how I function day-to-day. Most of the immediate outcome of these decisions have had a negative impact on my life, from the commute to the destructive personal drama of my coworkers and employees.
But, I am in control of my own life; i do not need to participate or take part in things I know are not right for me. Today, I am going to change things. I am no longer going to second guess my decisions; I am going to use my instinctual and emotional faculties to enhance my reason... instead of using my reason to trick my instinctual and emotional faculties.
I guess the upside to the experience I had with the little half sister is that I now know the patterns of bad choices. I know that I am capable of rationalizing the wrong choice, but I also know that I can change my mind when I am in the middle of making the wrong decision.
So look out work, I am going to be doing things a lot different now.